Put down your walls, your pride. Give me the understanding and the listening that I deserve from you. Even just now. Just for now.
Okay.
It baffles me. I don't understand how you have the nerve to be mad at me. To bring up what I did to you when I tell you I'm hurt and damaged every single day by the memories of what you did. Let me set things straight here. I have never stopped loving you. Even after what you did.
But I think now, I'm falling out of it. Like I should have a long time ago. And you're not helping me stay in love.
I didn't hurt you. What I did hurt you. You chose to look at it in a bad way. What I did was for you because I love you. "What I did" shouldn't even be factored in, or shouldn't even be part of this. And yes, like you said, you don't even have to ask for me to do it for you, because it comes out of love.
I love you, I haven't moved on. But that does not entitle you to anything anymore. Despite the fact I'm still giving you love, even without you deserving it.
How can you tell me things that I did that hurt you, after you damaged me. I was crushed. No. You crushed me. How can you ask for so much more from me, when I gave you everything and you threw it away. How can you muster up the courage to actually say in my face that you regret trusting me, when I did you a favor that you threw away, again. It crushed me to not be there for you, and you wasted that by defeating its purpose. You wasted everything again.
You don't know how much I appreciate you giving me all your time and efforts after what you did, but believe it or not, you're starting to keep score. You're starting to hate me for not giving you back the love you want after you trying to give me so much efforts to make me forget what you did.
What you did.
I hate how it's summarised to 3 words.
Every second you stayed with her, was a choice. A choice of not being with me and doing what's right. So it was not one mistake. You chose sex over me. Was that how little you think of me? You chose that over and over again.
How can I ever forget that?
How can you do that to me?
I know. Stupidity. Immaturity.
Isn't that what's happening now too? Immaturity. You regretted the first instance, and I was relieved to know that the Jerry I knew was still in there somewhere. What scares me now is that, you don't even regret being immature again. You refuse to understand. You refuse to give me fairness. Once again, you're choosing yourself.
Loving yourself is good. But loving yourself, and asking me to love you over myself is just fucked up. And that's what has been happening. Our whole situation isn't like 'you hurt me, I hurt you.' It's 'you hurt me, and I just let you'. I loved you.
I have every fucking right to tell you to just grow up. Grow up, Jerry. It's what ruined us. It's the very least you can do for me after all of it.
If reading this angers you, then stop reading. There's no point anymore. You lost me, again. And now, I know, you're angry for the wrong things. And now, I know, you don't care again that you lost me.
I don't deserve this.
But still.
I love you.
All my love,
Ela
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