To All His Friends

It's been 3 years since my last post here. I haven't thought about anything about him since recently, and that's only because I want to write songs about it so I can at least let it out, and let others feel that it's gonna be okay after some time. Because it feels like forever ago, and I'm here now. I've grown a lot, I've experienced more hurt than I thought I will in the hands of, well, him. But I'm okay, I'm really really doing well.

But I have yet to read previous writings because I'm scared. I'm scared what it will do to me, that it might bring back the hurt that my reminiscent thoughts cannot even bring back along with the visuals. And you know the worst part about that? I'm scared to say that I have forgotten about the good times. That feeling alone is supposed to be my trophy for having survived it all. But I'm scared to say it.

Why? Because I'm scared that people will judge me for it. Because we are made to believe that I stayed for those good times, so why should I forget it? If I were in so much pain from a boy who gave me those good times and I already forgot about them, was I really hurt? Did he really hurt me?

The truth has been twisted multiple times behind my back that I'm scared that a new truth has been made without my consent. That they can attack me with different arguments that I could not argue with. I'm scared that people have made bullets out of an imbalanced story from the person who hurt me, and shoot me with them.

To all his friends, why do you do it?

Why do you spend Friday nights, drinking in bars with him? While knowing what he did to me, to the girl he cheated on me with, to my former friend who he's fucking now? How can you laugh with him knowing who he really is?

If I say he was bad to me, please don't tell me he wasn't just because he was good to you.

This whole thought process was brought about my idea of writing a song about it. The title would be "To All His Friends." I have been writing songs since I was 14, none of them were released anywhere but my guitar strings and my phone's notes app, or my diary pages. And I realized that all my writing about heartbreak has had one goal, a goal that should not have been there. I know I should not think like this, but I do believe I'm not perfect and many people go through the same thing. I did not realize that I have been writing songs because I want people to know, I want to clear my name.

I have always been more scared about what he tells other people more than what he thinks of me. And people always tell me that's wrong. Yes, it's wrong to always be worried about what other people think. To be honest, I was just scared of seeing a long line of message passing from what his friends think and tell other people which these other people will tell more people and it will eventually reach the people that matter to me. Cross that. I meant, the ones that actually matter to me.

And I do understand that if my friends were real friends, they wouldn't believe what other people say. That's true. But I also do believe humans' tendency to believe what other people say more than what the person says because people tend to lie to save themselves. So I'm just scared that someone thinks I'd lie. I won't. I don't.

To all his friends, how are you not scared?

You're his friends, and that is important. I was his girlfriend, and we thought about marrying each other someday. If he could break me, how are you not scared he couldn't do the same to you? Some of you still love me, some of you believed him when he says I'm crazy. I'm thankful for those who stayed my friends, but I mourn for those who stayed silent.

I'm not telling you to not be friends with him. You're friends. You can stay friends until you go down to your graves and write it in your tombstones that you had a great friendship with him. It does not concern me as much as you not call him out does. I understand how friendships work -- you support each other, you sometimes hate the same people. I get it. I have friends like that, too. When I go to my friends to cry out what you did to me, I start by detailing the good things you do so as not to put so much pressure on them to hate you, so as to be fair (although in hindsight, it's unfair to me how much I defend you). I don't want them to hate you. I just want them to hear me out when you can't. But you know what good friends do? They call their friends out when they do something wrong. This is not a my friends versus your friends situation. Some, not all, of my friends do not antagonize you when I hurt you. When I come to them scared, not knowing what to do when I said something I should not have, you know what they do? They help me find a way to fix it, to lift off the burden of carrying the pain from you. They don't antagonize you when you're not the antagonist.

To all his friends, all I'm asking is for you to be his friends.

You and I used to be friends. We'd laugh together, I'd share my food with you. Hell, I'd even go to parties I don't want to go to just to impress you. But now, I can't talk to you. We weren't friends. I wish I could ask you to think of me as your sister, and to feel what you would've felt if she was being hurt by your friend. But that wouldn't be fair. I don't need you to think of me as anyone else but me.

No one deserves to be watched as she dies unjustly, telling her you're sorry. The tears you shed for me is what drowns me. Help me out. Call him out.

Unless he broke the law, you do not have to stop being friends with him. Actually, that's your call. If you can be his friend and guide him back to the right path, to help him face his consequences then go continue being friends with him if he broke the law. He needs a friend. But in this case, he broke someone's heart, someone's trust, someone's self-esteem. All I ask is for you to know what's right, and that's not him. All I ask is for you to look at me and know I was wronged. All I ask is for you to tell him that if he's wrong, tell him it's not right.

I'm writing a song about this because it's my way of voicing out something that you probably do not believe because you trust him more than me. The whole truth has always sounded silent next to his. His is obnoxiously loud, telling every ally he has that all I say are lies to cover up his.

I've stayed silent because I know that the more I tried to defend myself, the more words he can use against me. Maybe he didn't lie to you, but maybe he also didn't tell you the whole truth. Maybe he only told you parts of it, the ones that will make him look good. I would never know.

--- I cut off parts of this sentence where I wanted to defend him. Enough of that. My own voice shut my side out for years. I lost that voice, and just stayed quiet as I watch you watch him live a bullshit life. I finally found my voice, and I'll make sure it stays damn loud.

To all his friends, do yourself a favor. Be a friend.