We have been hanging out ever since school started. I know. It sounds stupid. And to be honest, the first thing I thought were my friends who held me through the pain. And I tried to ease it in all the time, to tell them what's been going on. But, I felt that I was too much of a burden that I stopped telling them what's happening, until they all assumed I'm getting back with my ex, and that I have 0 respect left for them.
All my respect goes to you guys. And it hurts that I lost friends before the same way I'm losing them now. People hate it apparently when you go too silent. I mean, I get it. You deserve to know what's going on. You gave so much just to put me back on track, but please do understand that the process of moving on cannot be forced that way. I tried, and it didn't work.
People deal with traumatic experiences in their own different ways. And if my way is hanging out with my ex because I know I still love him, please understand. Please understand that I'm giving him a limited time, until this Friday in fact. Please understand that no matter how strong I thought I was, this will kill me again. Please understand that I know you guys tried to prevent this from happening again, but please do understand I chose to feel loved by him again even though I will have to go through another goodbye. This is the way I know I won't experience too much withdrawals. Moving on is a process I'm willing to take slowly, and I hope you understand.
I know it's stupid. But the thought that he did not want me anymore is one of the main things that killed me before. And now, I know he's being genuine, I know him more than you guys do -- although that bit me in the ass, I know. But I knew him well enough to know and expect what he did to happen. I'll be honest, I have so much doubt that he might stop trying to change, and stop calling me stupid for believing in the slightest bit. I know it when he's genuine, but I also have prepared myself for the worst. Now, I know the pain that I'll expect. I'll be more ready now.
Rest assured, we will not be back together. He pushed me away, and I never was desperate enough to be on stand by waiting for him. I know I deserve better, and I will get what I deserve. The thought of him and that girl makes me sick. I cannot think of the idea of sexual activities the same way anymore. I am now completely disgusted. I cannot even be close to him without feeling disgusted with myself for being too close. But we loved each other, and we still do. But I know that will never be enough for me to overlook what he did. Trust me. I just want to be reckless for a bit, to continue to be loved for a bit. Let me have this, and I'll be back as your good friend again.
I am always the loud one, the energetic one, the sociable one. My rants weren't my lowest point, my silence is. And I'm sorry I expected you guys to know that. I guess we really don't know each other that well yet. I'm sorry that I lost you guys in the process of trying to be a better friend by keeping things to myself first. I'm sorry I'm not yet giving you the friendship you deserve in return of your kindness. Don't worry. I can give it back soon. Just give me time to heal myself first without having to explain myself. I wanted to, but I knew you'll get tired of it. And so I stopped.
Jokes on me, that was exactly the opposite of what you guys thought I'll do. I'm sorry. I truly am. I always wish I didn't give love as much as I do, I wish I wasn't this emotionally attached, I wish I was stronger than I thought I was. I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
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