Am I a monster?

It has already been 5 months, but it felt so much longer than that. No matter how cliche it sounds, I still want to say that it has been a crazy, roller-coaster ride. And it got me tired quickly. Maybe it's because I'm not used to leaning on to someone -- that with all the crazy things I have been through, I've learned to lean on myself. And I met someone who also leaned on himself but who finally was brave enough to let someone else carry the load. And I'm sorry that we're not the same.

I'm happy by myself. The independence life forced me to have was unbelievably inspiring and fulfilling. I'm used to being alone. And I'm sorry that I'm not brave enough to be ready to let others in.

I will stop it with the vague statements and actually start to narrate what had happened to me recently:

I know it's shallow but I know he's not my ideal person. He's not what I have hoped for. But he's something else. I never really hoped for someone so caring, and so loving. I have always hoped for someone who cares about the things I cared about -- someone who was passionate about something and pursues it. I never thought about how they would be with me. I just hoped for someone who had a future for himself so that we can share both our future together. 'Cause come on, wouldn't that be amazing??

And so I actually decided to let go. Because that's what I do. I learned to let go. I have been rejected and hurt too many times that attaching myself to anyone was not an option any more, and the only option I have is to be there for people or detach myself quickly. I have learned to not show too much care even though I actually care so much. I don't want to go so deep that I'd drown. I end things early. 'Cause I'm always future-based. But he's always someone in the present. And that's a big difference I absolutely do not know how to fix.

I went to Hong Kong for the new year, and told him that I would not be able to talk to him for a week. But I failed the first two days and talked to him. And we all know that attitude where you just decide on something and just do it. And so I did. I just did not reply for the rest of the week, even though I was replying to other people. Ever since we've known that we can't be together now, our conversations have always been fragile and depressing. And I do not want the vacation that my family has been waiting for be ruined by something I have caused.

And it felt rewarding, fulfilling to actually succeed to do something like that. I thought I couldn't. But you know, it just seems easy but it's still painful. It's still absolutely painful to know that I'm letting go of all those memories, that I'm letting go of a wonderful person.

But now that we have talked about it, we have a compromise. He made it clear to me that it's not only romance that he's looking for, that he is also looking for a friend -- one that I avoided to become fearing that I break my promise to my parents. Now that it's clear. I'll always be there for him as a friend, someone he can lean on. But I'm sorry, that's just what I'm allowed to give. I can give so much more but I'm not allowed to. I'm not only restricted by my parents, or my family, or my friends, but I'm also restricting myself. 'Cause I know leaning on to someone too much is dangerous for me, for everything I have worked hard for, for everything my parents have worked hard for.

I know I don't need what we have. And I'm trained to eliminate all things that I don't need.

My judgment of what I want is always clouded by my judgment of what I need. And so if he asks me again if I want it, I don't know how to answer anymore.

Am I a monster?