To that guy

When I was a young kid, I was always so confused as to why a girl cuts short a relationship so fun, vibrant, and sweet. When everything seemed to fit each other's lives, why would you want that to end? But having experienced it already, I now know why it is important to let go of something so good.

To the guy who held my hand during times I needed his strength to hold on to, I wish you would have realized I needed to hold on to my own strength, too. To the guy who told me he wouldn't let anything happen to me in a sleepover full of guys, I wish you would have realized that my parents weren't just being traditional, that it is really improper for a girl to stay with so many guys. To the guy who put his arm around me as he slept, wished you knew that we had friends around, and they needed us to be their friends that time. To the guy who asked me twice if he can kiss me, I wish you knew you disrespected my boundaries. To the guy who always made everything seem nice and better, I wish you knew it was just for your peace of mind. To the guy who, in the attempts of quenching my thirst for this kind of love, only satisfied his own. Don't take it the wrong way. I have loved the way you made me feel safe and secure all the time.

What we have is good, but it's in every way dangerous. In a stage wherein it should simply be a happy, free and vibrant relationship between the two of us and our families, we hide. We speak as if we will tip off the balance between what we show we feel, and what we really feel.

In my head, it's all mixed-up. But one thing's for sure, no matter how many times I tell myself that I deserve someone as amazing as you, I am absolutely wrong. My friends have been very helpful in this journey, telling me if it's already too toxic for me to actually invest my time in -- telling me that you don't deserve me. I don't want you to change because that's what my parents expect from the guy who will one day take away their daughter from them. I want you to actually want to change. I don't want you to let go of all your progress once (or if) I tell you that I have to stop doing this with you.

Yes, 4 years is too long. But all you have to do is wait, nothing more, nothing less. BUT ME, how long do I have to wait and hope to dear goodness that you grow up and become more mature. To everyone, you are respected for actually "stepping up" to wait for me to graduate, little did anyone know that I'M THE ONE FIGHTING FOR THIS HARD FOR THIS TOO.

It's tiring, but I'm not tired. Let me be myself first, before being yours.You told me you love me? Do you really? Or do you love the idea of having someone complete you. The idea of experiencing home all the time. But I can't do that for you. You have to do that for yourself. We have to grow on our own if we really want to grow together. I can wait, dear, but that is if you start trying.

You told me to throw you a bone once in a while, to remind you why it's worth it -- why waiting for me for 4 years is worth it. But that's not my job. You're not doing me a favor for waiting. Why don't you show me that you know you need change and that you're actually starting to do something about it, then we'll talk.

I'm not giving up. Show me that you're not, and I won't.

I'll miss you.