It's okay to say you're being kind

It’s okay to say you’re being kind, you’re smart, you’re efficient, you’re responsible. It’s okay.

*Note the ~ symbols. I’ll discuss that later.

I have grown up in a culture where you’re shamed for being too honest about your achievements or your attitude towards others. When you say you’re being kind enough to give these people attention after what they have done to you, you’ll still be marked ARROGANT.

I don’t know if I wasn’t bullied, or I was just too innocent not to distinguish what bullying is. In third grade, I distinctly remember waiting for my sister outside her classroom. There was this boy I had in my class that kept on teasing me “intsik.” It did not feel like an insult to me, but I was told that it should. And so I always acted on it. As I was waiting for my sister, he and his friend passed by me and teased me again with that word. (It basically means “Chinese” to Filipinos, but I don’t know what it means to other Chinese people.) I stood up and ran towards him. I honestly have no idea what I was about to do -- punch him, hit him, yell at him. Whatever my third-grader self was about to do, it never happened. He quickly turned around and presented a spider in his hand. It rendered me speechless, motionless. He laughed and they walked away.

That was not the first bullying incident I can remember. It’s actually the second one. The first one, I intend to keep to myself.

High school came, I was the class clown~. I was wacky, crazy, tad-bit loud, and hilariously insane~. I started off as the class secretary~, which brings no threat to anyone. Come second year in high school, I became vice president~. Third year, I became President~. And it all went down.

An incident happened wherein I know damn well that I did the right thing~. But it did not look like that to the ones affected by my act in-line of duty. It was all a misunderstanding between us yet they took it to social media, and involved the rest of the world. They tweeted about me. Bad things. Bad things. They dragged in old friends, who quickly joined the club. They humiliated me, they crushed me. What was a high school student supposed to do? I cried. I cried out of pain -- pain from anger and from betrayal. All I did was do my job. Actually, that’s what they think I did. But I didn’t. I did not do anything that could harm them. All their online rants were all based on rumours.

Generally, all-year round, they made me feel I did not deserve that position. My teacher made me feel I did. She told me that she previously allowed other presidents to step down, but this time she won’t. She believed in me. She said that the moment I entered the room, she knew that I’ll be a great leader~.

Despite all the criticism and the humiliations, I remained kind to them~.I’m always iffy about saying those words. I was kind to them. As if I’m the one who should be ashamed in this situation. But it all happened again during college. I became President again~. Twitter should know by now that it is one of the most used social media platforms of bullies. I said something about myself. Maybe too much of it, but it was not harmful. I did not shade anyone, I did not insult anyone, I did not talk about anyone. I talked about myself and how bad that day was for me. I admit, I did not think it through (It’s a child-friendly tweet by the way, don’t go judgin’ please). In this situation, I have learned that this culture taught people how to hate on people who talk about themselves, no matter how much they do. So long as it’s a compliment to one’s self, one’s an easy target for bullies.

It triggered the people I thought were my friends. It triggered them to hate on me. But I remained kind to them~ no matter how much pain all their words, stares, and whispers have given me.

I realized. When you’re in a position where you seem untouchable, people will try to destroy you. They can do it subtly; they can shame you by making you feel ashamed of yourself. They can manipulate you by letting them control the way you treat yourself. Or they can do it straightforwardly, like bashing you online.

I hope you’re still there. I’m leading to a point, I swear.

In the end, I realized that being right will always come with a price. But it’s a price I’m willing to pay.

All lines that have ~ symbols signify that I have cringed a couple of times as I typed them down. I am still not used to using my bragging rights. But it is my right after all. I should use it. I worked hard for every single thing that I have accomplished, and so I would not let them shame me for telling the whole world about how God has created a wonderful human being like me (and, honestly, like you). All the scars, the scratches, the bruises and the persistent laughter and smiles that came along with it are my medals. It’s an accomplishment I intend to show off.  I have survived all the bullying that has caused me distress, and so it is my right to say that I was kind all the bloody time. That I did not get back at them, despite all the power I had. Because I had one thing they did not have -- control.

Point is, don’t be afraid to be who you are. Don’t be afraid to tell people who you are. Never let your culture, your haters to manipulate you. They are not in control of you, you are.

It’s okay to say you’re being kind, you’re smart, you’re efficient, you’re responsible. It’s okay.

If it gets too much, never be afraid to say you’ve been too kind and that you have had enough. Do not give attention to those who will shame you for saying so.

It’s the truth. Live your truth. You’ve worked hard for it.