True friends

I mean, you told me what was wrong with me. You told me that it hurt you. Rubbed it in my face that something was so wrong about me that you guys needed distance from me. I shared the reason behind the attitude. I apologized. I promised to change. I promised to give the distance.

We all did what we did. Too many times.

You were too hurt and offended that you turned out to do the same thing to me. I thought you were too hurt for me to lower myself too much it actually pained me to watch myself be so...under.

Truth is. You got tired first. Now that I got tired as well, you're blaming me again. Making me feel like there's something wrong with me again. And I'm afraid if I become honest with you, and tell you what's wrong, we'll make up and be friends again. Doesn't seem daunting. But what does seem scary is that if I make a small, single mistake again, you'll do it all over again.

When you told me what was wrong with me, you told me I was not listening. That I did not know how to listen. That when I said I wanted to fix it, you said I couldn't because I don't listen. You asked me to share my side of the "story." You showed me that you wanted to know my side, but I realized it was all just a cover. You set a trap. That's it! IT'S A WHOLE FUCKING TRAP YOU GOT ME INTO. You made me believe it was going to be a fair game. That you're going to be constructively criticizing me, and I'll do the same. Because we're friends, and that's what friends do. But what happened is that, YOU WANTED TO HEAR SOMETHING FROM ME. You didn't want to know my side, what you wanted was to RANT ABOUT ME AND YOUR OFFENDED EMOTIONS, MAKE ME FEEL IT'S ALL MY FAULT, AND SQUEEZE OUT INFORMATION FROM ME THAT I HAVE BEEN HIDING FOR YEARS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I have hidden them for a reason. You want me to bring back my bad side. I told you I can be a bitch then you'll tell me you want to see "bitchy Dani?" WOULDN'T THAT WORSEN EVERYTHING? If I start becoming that person again, would you not be more annoyed of me and more offended? I wanted to change to become a better person, and that's part of the plan. Now, you think you're trying to fix me to change, but you're doing quite the opposite. 'Cause all you think about is yourself.

I tried to become "bitchy Dani" for the past few days, and let me tell you, it's damn tiring. To not look at you guys, to hang out with other people. To give cold replies, no emoticons/emojis. I am not like that. STOP MAKING ME SOMEONE I'M NOT BY TELLING ME I'M BEING UNREAL!


YOU ACT LIKE THESE ANGELS WHO DON'T COMMIT MISTAKES! Something that you accused me of being. You accused me of being unreal, dishonest, conceited and superior. And yes, I admitted that I sometimes feel that I'm being too conceited and that I have a superiority complex. I have wasted my time chatting with you guys and telling you how sorry I am. But instead, YOU CORNERED ME AND ATTACKED ME. And when I rant, you'll accuse my past actions as fake?

During the chat, I didn't know what to do honestly. I wanted to please you. I wanted to save our friendship. Because friendships are so damn important to me. If I had a friend who had the same problems like you told me I had, I would not avoid that person. I would accept her for who she is, and try to change her for her betterment, not mine. If you feel lower just because I always talk about my achievements, I AM TRULY SORRY FOR THAT. It's a sin I have committed and am ready to pay for. But what I have observed and realized is that, you're trying to mellow me down not for my own sake, but for yours. You're tired of being low so you'll pull me back down. We should be pushing each other up. That's what friends do. I always help you guys with school work so that you'll grow more into the people you want to be, and maybe so we would not have awkward conversations about grades. I was trying to pull you up but all you noticed was me and my being conceited.

You're telling me what's wrong with me, but you never looked at yourself.

Partly, it's my fault. I am very sorry.

But now I'm doing the same for you, something's wrong with you. Fix it. I can help you if you want.

See?

That's true friendship.